Believe but I Don’t Understand

Austin's Rare Disease Journey. Written by Pam Terling, aka Austin's Mimi

As I opened my Bible for my daily devotion, I came across a quote from the priest who conducted my father-in-law's funeral in 1975. He was only 45. The quote read, “I believe, but I don’t understand.”

As I reflect on the fact that my precious “little man,” Austin, became a Heavenly Angel on July 16, 2022, and that my husband, Curt (Austin's PapPap), met Jesus on September 27, 2022, I realize how true that statement remains. I wrote it in my Bible nearly 40 years ago, and it still holds deep meaning today. It’s all about faith. We don’t have to understand; we just have to trust in God.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and as I look back, I can see God’s plan unfolding. Austin was born on June 27, 2013. I retired on July 1, 2013, and Curt retired in early 2014. Looking back, I realize that God knew even before a diagnosis that we would be needed to help care for Austin. We assisted with doctor’s visits, therapy, hospital stays, and daily care.

And through it all, the words I wrote in my Bible so long ago kept reminding me: Have faith and trust God’s plan.

But faith isn’t always easy—especially when watching your son and daughter-in-law struggle every day to find answers and care for Austin with unwavering love.

To say we traveled that road alongside them is true, but at the same time, it isn’t. Because while we were there to help, we only experienced a fraction of what they carried. We didn’t live the 24/7, day-in and day-out care. For them, it was like the movie Groundhog Day—the same exhausting routine, over and over again.

I asked God many times, Why? And the answer I always came back to was, Trust in God. He has a plan for your life. But my heart ached because I had always been the type of mom who wanted to fix things for my children—and this was something I couldn’t fix.

Curt and I took Austin to therapy, watching him struggle and work so hard to hold his head up, to sit, to take steps in his walker. We were his biggest cheerleaders, but inside, it was heartbreaking. Even so, he would smile. He would laugh. And he melted the hearts of everyone who met him.

Curt and Austin shared a special bond. Curt could get Austin to smile the biggest smiles and laugh so hard—almost on cue. That laugh and smile are forever burned into my heart and mind.

I have precious memories of Curt lying beside Austin, reading to him. Austin and I had a slightly different connection—he loved my made-up verses to The Itsy Bitsy Spider. He would laugh and smile every time. And I was always the one trying to help him sit up, to hold his head steady, to gain just a little more strength. Oh, how we made some beautiful memories with our “little man”—or AJ, as Curt loved to call him.

As the years went by, the disease slowly but noticeably took that bright smile away. The trach kept him from entertaining us with his contagious laugh.

Then, when Curt’s cancer returned and he underwent surgeries and treatments, it became harder for us to help with Austin’s care. Anthony and Lindsey took it all on, only asking for help when absolutely needed. It hurt me not to be able to do what we used to. And when I let myself think about it, I still wish we could have done more.

But without a doubt, Austin blessed every single person in our family—and far beyond.

That quote in my Bible means even more to me today than it did 40 years ago. And now, I understand it in a deeper way.

That doesn’t mean I have to like it.

No, I don’t understand why God had the plan He did for Austin or for Curt. I don’t understand why He took them from us just months apart. But as I tell people, I can see His plan unfolding now. That hindsight thing. God is using Austin’s story—through the Austin 1st Foundation—to help others.

I feel so blessed to be even a small part of that.

Now, I look each day for a “God thing.” I see Him in the little moments, the small reminders that He is working. I take time to notice the rainbows—those gifts that only God can create. And I tell Austin’s story, because God wrote that story through him.

I love you, my “little man,” forever and a day. You and PapPap are my angels, walking with me every step of the way.

Love,

MiMi

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